Good? Thank You 😊

One question that has been lingering in my mind for quite some time now, is how we tell ‘good’ or ‘very good’ to encourage children to keep doing the task they are doing right (or what we think is right). In a world where right/ wrong, good/ bad are completely subjective concepts, why do we then stick to ‘good’ or ‘bad’ when we want to reinforce behaviour? Is it a good reinforcement technique? Yes! Does it help in shaping a behaviour effectively? Hell, yes! But then why am I questioning this tradition that’s helping us?

As the child grows, they keep seeking validation from parents and society, and it affects their mental health. They have a different opinion, a different orientation, a different view on living, and they’re scared, that we will not approve of it. It forces them into mental pressure, anxiety, or depression.

We have heard that Child is equivalent of God. Children believe in magic. Children don’t know ‘me’ or ‘mine’. Children are kind. Children are loving. Children are free and seek autonomy. I could go on and on. Who killed all of that in the Child?

We wanted to create a world with what we think is good or right. We started molding/ shaping children based on what we think is right/ good. We did not allow the child to have their own thoughts or dreams. We only tried to impose our thoughts on them.

As I was thinking about all of this, I thought of something that might help with my question. How about replacing ‘Good’ or ‘Very good’ with a simple message of gratitude? ‘Thank you’. After-all, we want them to do things our way, because we want to keep the peace in the world we created. From the time they are infants, we want them to sleep at night (we need to sleep at night), we want them to pee n the potty ( we want a clean house), we want them to put their toys in place (we don’t want our house messy), it goes on till we think they are an exact mould of how we want them to be.

Instead, How about saying “Thank you for peeing in potty”, “thank you for eating your greens”, “thank you for playing outdoors today”, “thank you for listening to me”......

We know the effect gratitude has on us. We feel more happier and in peace. And we know the effect morals and values (good/bad, right/wrong) has on us. It leaves us unhappy, crabby and sometimes guilty. I don’t know if it will work or make a change, but I believe gratitude is better. It not only helps us live in peace, but also motivates the child to respect boundaries and develop a helping mindset in our children.

I would like to end with my favorite poem by Khalil Gibran on children:

Parent is a very important role in a child’s life. I believe that parents have the greatest responsibility than any other career in the world. We learn math, science, language, geology, history, in school, even when we don’t know when we’ll get to use it. Why not teach parenting in schools when most of the human population wants children?

-Myung Hee